Child Loss, Depression, Life, Random

The travails of lockdowns

I know it is necessary here, with how the Covid cases rising everyday and deaths too, but I’d forgotten how inconvenient a full lockdown was. One good thing is banks don’t have to work every day. Three days a week with 50% staff and timings up to 2, so I had to go only one day this week with Work from Home the other two days.

Writing hasn’t been going well, largely due to the deaths happening in our organisation. Many people I know personally died, and I have so much fear for my friends and family.

SPFBO 7 opens today, and I’m submitting Deathless Ones and keeping all my fingers crossed. I haven’t got around to reading much after I finished the Grishaverse, but I might start something next week or so.

I had dreams about my son on most days, and most of the days I wake up wishing I hadn’t. Anti depressants can only do so much, and several nights I had lain awake wishing I were dead. Some days are harder than others and I know I just need to hang in there on those days, but it is so difficult.

I plan to get my writing back on track by this week. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Child Loss, Depression, Life, WIP, Writing

March is here

March is here, and so is summer. I keep plugging away at words, hoping that I might actually get somewhere with all this. I haven’t finished Wizard’s Debt yet, but hopefully I’ll get to do it this month.

March 4th was my son’s birthday. He would have turned 18 if he had lived. It is a hard time for me, and I just want this week to be over. It has been interminably long.

Work is going okay, usual stresses and strains, nothing exceptional, but I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. This job is like being in an abusive relationship. Everything may look hunky dory right now, but you never know when the abuse is going to start back up; you only know that it will, sooner or later.

Writing is going at a snail’s pace, and even reading has slowed down a bit. This isn’t a week or a month that I want even to be alive. If only it were possible to die for a month, and spring back into life in April!

Some days, I have no hopes for the future, and I get through days by not thinking of it.

All the same, Wizard’s Debt is beginning to get interesting and Jeff has some interesting things in his past. Finishing this book is a future I can look forward to.

Child Loss, Depression, Life, Random, WIP, Writing

Still in February?

Why are we still in February? lol. I feel like time isn’t passing at all. Flame of a Dragon’s Oath and Soul of Magic are with betas and it looks as if Soul of Magic might need a full rewrite. Ah well, time enough for that in the future, I guess.

Memories of Forgotten Waves have also got slowly longer, and now it looks as if it needs a whole new part to be complete. I’m taking it easy for now.

Curse of Souls has got to a point where I’m sure it’s winding to a close, but I can’t be sure. It will need some work, but hopefully I’ll be able to finish the first draft this weekend.

Life hasn’t been too different. The doctor upped the dosage of my meds again, but there still are days when I just want to sit and cry in a corner all day. I feel like I would sell my soul to get my son back even for an hour.

I finished reading Priory of the Orange Tree. Slow start, but once I got into it, I couldn’t put it down. It’s an excellent book, and I absolutely loved it. In the end, 800+ pages seemed too less.

I should write a review, and I will. Right now, I’m just getting through this, one day at a time.

Child Loss, Depression, Life, Writing

Depressed pile of goo

It is one year today since I lost my son, and I’ve been in a funk all week, crying at work, snapping at people, moping around and writing till my hands hurt. Nothing really helps. Nothing can fill the emptiness left behind by him. I took his name as my pen name, and seeing his name on my books hurt too. I don’t know if anything will ever make this better.

I have also been splurging on covers for the Black Friday. Pretty sure my finances are in the red right now.

I think I will finish Colliding Forces today. On to Fiery Magic and Magic and Mayhem. The Spell of Gods will need a lot of work, and so will everything else I finished in October and November.

Right now, I’m going to stay inside my depression cave and not emerge.