Child Loss, Depression, Life, Random

The travails of lockdowns

I know it is necessary here, with how the Covid cases rising everyday and deaths too, but I’d forgotten how inconvenient a full lockdown was. One good thing is banks don’t have to work every day. Three days a week with 50% staff and timings up to 2, so I had to go only one day this week with Work from Home the other two days.

Writing hasn’t been going well, largely due to the deaths happening in our organisation. Many people I know personally died, and I have so much fear for my friends and family.

SPFBO 7 opens today, and I’m submitting Deathless Ones and keeping all my fingers crossed. I haven’t got around to reading much after I finished the Grishaverse, but I might start something next week or so.

I had dreams about my son on most days, and most of the days I wake up wishing I hadn’t. Anti depressants can only do so much, and several nights I had lain awake wishing I were dead. Some days are harder than others and I know I just need to hang in there on those days, but it is so difficult.

I plan to get my writing back on track by this week. Keeping my fingers crossed.

Depression, Life, Nanowrimo, Random, WIP, Writing

Weekend Plans

I haven’t got a synopsis for RevPit yet, but there’s still time? I’ve got my submission document ready for now. I’m also behind in my camp nano goals, so plans for the weekend is to catch up and maybe build up a buffer.

Even though I’m behind on my goals, writing is still happening, and right now, that’s all I can ask for.

I’m also doing some editing for a friend, and hope she finds them useful.

I submitted my resignation at work. I’m planning to leave on July 31st. Many people including my mom is questioning my decision, but I have no doubts. There will be some financial insecurity and issues, but right now, I can’t deal with all the stress of this and everything else in my life. Something’s got to give and I’d rather not end up in the list of long line of bankers who have taken their lives due to stress of the job.

There are days when I feel like a complete failure, but hopefully such feelings will pass.

Right now, all I am thinking of is the weekend and all the writing I need to do.

Child Loss, Depression, Life, WIP, Writing

March is here

March is here, and so is summer. I keep plugging away at words, hoping that I might actually get somewhere with all this. I haven’t finished Wizard’s Debt yet, but hopefully I’ll get to do it this month.

March 4th was my son’s birthday. He would have turned 18 if he had lived. It is a hard time for me, and I just want this week to be over. It has been interminably long.

Work is going okay, usual stresses and strains, nothing exceptional, but I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. This job is like being in an abusive relationship. Everything may look hunky dory right now, but you never know when the abuse is going to start back up; you only know that it will, sooner or later.

Writing is going at a snail’s pace, and even reading has slowed down a bit. This isn’t a week or a month that I want even to be alive. If only it were possible to die for a month, and spring back into life in April!

Some days, I have no hopes for the future, and I get through days by not thinking of it.

All the same, Wizard’s Debt is beginning to get interesting and Jeff has some interesting things in his past. Finishing this book is a future I can look forward to.

Child Loss, Depression, Life, Random, WIP, Writing

Still in February?

Why are we still in February? lol. I feel like time isn’t passing at all. Flame of a Dragon’s Oath and Soul of Magic are with betas and it looks as if Soul of Magic might need a full rewrite. Ah well, time enough for that in the future, I guess.

Memories of Forgotten Waves have also got slowly longer, and now it looks as if it needs a whole new part to be complete. I’m taking it easy for now.

Curse of Souls has got to a point where I’m sure it’s winding to a close, but I can’t be sure. It will need some work, but hopefully I’ll be able to finish the first draft this weekend.

Life hasn’t been too different. The doctor upped the dosage of my meds again, but there still are days when I just want to sit and cry in a corner all day. I feel like I would sell my soul to get my son back even for an hour.

I finished reading Priory of the Orange Tree. Slow start, but once I got into it, I couldn’t put it down. It’s an excellent book, and I absolutely loved it. In the end, 800+ pages seemed too less.

I should write a review, and I will. Right now, I’m just getting through this, one day at a time.

Covers, Depression, Life, WIP, Writing

One week or so later

I am rather glad I started anti depressants, because my state of mind is much better. Not everything is hunky dory, of course, but there is hope now.

I have increased the number of my WIPs to 48, and I think I’ll stop there. It’s a nice even number, just shy of fifty, and I’m not sure when, if ever, I will finish them all. Many may end up discarded, but that’s a problem for future me. Past me and present me are just giggling like mad.

I finished my edits of Memories of Forgotten Waves, and realised I had a bit of rewriting to do if the plot is to make any sense and to have some cohesion. But I’m not touching that immediately. For now, I’m focussing on three of my WIPs, and hoping I can get them done in February.

I have made lists of all my WIPs, finished works, and what not, and have come to the conclusion that I really do not need any new covers till at least 2025. Hmm. Wonder if my addiction will listen to the voice of reason. MY ban is still in effect, though, and I’m staying away from all cover events for now.

Depression, Life, WIP, Writing

Something new?

This week has been different. I started anti depressants, and already I can feel the change. There is a bit of sleepiness, vagueness, inability to focus, and some slight physical issues as well, but for the first time in so long, life doesn’t seem like an endless well of despair.

I posted the final chapter of my fanfic, and it is wrenching my heart. I had written three endings, and in the end went with the one I thought people would enjoy the most. I love the other two, but unless people want it, I wouldn’t be posting them.

I’m focussing on Curse of Souls and Wizard’s Debt this month and both have been going well. I also started editing Rise of the Resistance and at the risk of sounding narcissistic, I absolutely love that book. The characters! Gods, I have missed them so much. Now, I have this idea to write a series of one shots set at various times including after the series is over.

On the whole, I feel vaguely hopeful about life. I needed that feeling.

Covers, Depression, Life, Random, WIP, Writing

Another Random Ramble

2021 doesn’t seem all that different from 2020. In fact it might even be worse, I think. Odd numbered years had never been good for me. I’ve lost most of the people I loved in such years. My dad in 2007, my brother in law in 2009, my son in 2019, so I’m naturally wary of years with odd numbers.

My plan of starting a new WIP a day is going swimmingly so far. I’m pretty sure I’ll have 50 WIPs by the end of this month if this keeps up. I have also been buying a lot of covers.

Work is just as meh as usual, a bit more meh this week to be honest. Sometimes, I think I’ll just lose my mind. Sometimes, I wish I could just die, but yeah, safe to say things aren’t good.

There is no joy any more. Not in work, not in life, not in creation, even. I cant stop writing though, because idea are flowing and words are flowing, and even if there is no joy in it, it keeps despair at bay.

I am almost at the end of an amazing book by an author friend, and I love that I get to read so many great books.

I posted the penultimate chapter of my fanfic in AO3 today, and now feeling a little sad that I won’t have that to look forward to. Fanfics are a good distraction, and I’ve been loving all the love my work has got.

I need validation like I need air on some days, and my fanfic was a great way of getting that. Ah well, I’ll just have to re-read all those lovely comments left by my awesome readers.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend, and I’m leaving a little aesthetic I made for one of my new WIPs

Child Loss, Depression, Life, Writing

Depressed pile of goo

It is one year today since I lost my son, and I’ve been in a funk all week, crying at work, snapping at people, moping around and writing till my hands hurt. Nothing really helps. Nothing can fill the emptiness left behind by him. I took his name as my pen name, and seeing his name on my books hurt too. I don’t know if anything will ever make this better.

I have also been splurging on covers for the Black Friday. Pretty sure my finances are in the red right now.

I think I will finish Colliding Forces today. On to Fiery Magic and Magic and Mayhem. The Spell of Gods will need a lot of work, and so will everything else I finished in October and November.

Right now, I’m going to stay inside my depression cave and not emerge.