Child Loss, Depression, Life, WIP, Writing

March is here

March is here, and so is summer. I keep plugging away at words, hoping that I might actually get somewhere with all this. I haven’t finished Wizard’s Debt yet, but hopefully I’ll get to do it this month.

March 4th was my son’s birthday. He would have turned 18 if he had lived. It is a hard time for me, and I just want this week to be over. It has been interminably long.

Work is going okay, usual stresses and strains, nothing exceptional, but I find myself waiting for the other shoe to drop. This job is like being in an abusive relationship. Everything may look hunky dory right now, but you never know when the abuse is going to start back up; you only know that it will, sooner or later.

Writing is going at a snail’s pace, and even reading has slowed down a bit. This isn’t a week or a month that I want even to be alive. If only it were possible to die for a month, and spring back into life in April!

Some days, I have no hopes for the future, and I get through days by not thinking of it.

All the same, Wizard’s Debt is beginning to get interesting and Jeff has some interesting things in his past. Finishing this book is a future I can look forward to.

Child Loss, Depression, Life, Random, WIP, Writing

Still in February?

Why are we still in February? lol. I feel like time isn’t passing at all. Flame of a Dragon’s Oath and Soul of Magic are with betas and it looks as if Soul of Magic might need a full rewrite. Ah well, time enough for that in the future, I guess.

Memories of Forgotten Waves have also got slowly longer, and now it looks as if it needs a whole new part to be complete. I’m taking it easy for now.

Curse of Souls has got to a point where I’m sure it’s winding to a close, but I can’t be sure. It will need some work, but hopefully I’ll be able to finish the first draft this weekend.

Life hasn’t been too different. The doctor upped the dosage of my meds again, but there still are days when I just want to sit and cry in a corner all day. I feel like I would sell my soul to get my son back even for an hour.

I finished reading Priory of the Orange Tree. Slow start, but once I got into it, I couldn’t put it down. It’s an excellent book, and I absolutely loved it. In the end, 800+ pages seemed too less.

I should write a review, and I will. Right now, I’m just getting through this, one day at a time.

Child Loss, Depression, Life, Writing

Depressed pile of goo

It is one year today since I lost my son, and I’ve been in a funk all week, crying at work, snapping at people, moping around and writing till my hands hurt. Nothing really helps. Nothing can fill the emptiness left behind by him. I took his name as my pen name, and seeing his name on my books hurt too. I don’t know if anything will ever make this better.

I have also been splurging on covers for the Black Friday. Pretty sure my finances are in the red right now.

I think I will finish Colliding Forces today. On to Fiery Magic and Magic and Mayhem. The Spell of Gods will need a lot of work, and so will everything else I finished in October and November.

Right now, I’m going to stay inside my depression cave and not emerge.

Life, Random

A trip down the memory lane

Work has been hectic for the past couple of weeks, and as I tend to do whenever work threatens to turn me into a zombie, I start watching some show that once I enjoyed and which I know will recharge me somewhat. This time it is Teen Wolf that I decided to rewatch.

It’s a bittersweet experience in many ways, because the first time I watched it, my children started peeking in, and soon got as invested as I was. My son especially loved it, and even after almost a year of being without him, every memory of him is still like a knife twisting in my gut. I don’t know how people live with this, I don’t know for how long I can.

Writing has not been going badly, but zombie brain has been depressed as fuck, and sometimes it’s all I can not to just throw in the towel and call it a day with my writing and everything. My writing groups have been amazing, though, and they keep me going when I can’t. There are no words I can use for how much they mean to me or what they have done for me, ever since the day I woke to the news that my son was no more.

Spaces of Silence is back from the editor and the paperback cover (So pretty!) is also ready. I had chosen November 27, the day I lost my son, as the release date, not just as a tribute, but also because I wanted something good to mark that day. This is a story about friendship, and trust that is very close to my heart, and I hope Sky and Declan will find a place in your heart as they do in mine.

Shades of Spring is almost done, and I can literally smell the ending, but the ending I smell seems to indicate there may be more than one book, and when I started on this journey, I had not anticipated it. Joys of pantser life!!

I’m at the fourth season of Teen Wolf now, and it is one of my favourite seasons. The fifth and second are my least favourites, with sixth and third being the most favourites. Fourth and first fit in somewhere in between.

Since my brain kept trying to convince me I’m useless, I took stock of everything I’ve finished, and I’ve finished more than a hundred stories and poems since 2012. Now my brain is ruing the wasted hours. There’s no pleasing this thing!

I’m saying fuck it, and moving on.