Child Loss, Depression, Life, Random, WIP, Writing

Still in February?

Why are we still in February? lol. I feel like time isn’t passing at all. Flame of a Dragon’s Oath and Soul of Magic are with betas and it looks as if Soul of Magic might need a full rewrite. Ah well, time enough for that in the future, I guess.

Memories of Forgotten Waves have also got slowly longer, and now it looks as if it needs a whole new part to be complete. I’m taking it easy for now.

Curse of Souls has got to a point where I’m sure it’s winding to a close, but I can’t be sure. It will need some work, but hopefully I’ll be able to finish the first draft this weekend.

Life hasn’t been too different. The doctor upped the dosage of my meds again, but there still are days when I just want to sit and cry in a corner all day. I feel like I would sell my soul to get my son back even for an hour.

I finished reading Priory of the Orange Tree. Slow start, but once I got into it, I couldn’t put it down. It’s an excellent book, and I absolutely loved it. In the end, 800+ pages seemed too less.

I should write a review, and I will. Right now, I’m just getting through this, one day at a time.

Depression, Life, WIP, Writing

Something new?

This week has been different. I started anti depressants, and already I can feel the change. There is a bit of sleepiness, vagueness, inability to focus, and some slight physical issues as well, but for the first time in so long, life doesn’t seem like an endless well of despair.

I posted the final chapter of my fanfic, and it is wrenching my heart. I had written three endings, and in the end went with the one I thought people would enjoy the most. I love the other two, but unless people want it, I wouldn’t be posting them.

I’m focussing on Curse of Souls and Wizard’s Debt this month and both have been going well. I also started editing Rise of the Resistance and at the risk of sounding narcissistic, I absolutely love that book. The characters! Gods, I have missed them so much. Now, I have this idea to write a series of one shots set at various times including after the series is over.

On the whole, I feel vaguely hopeful about life. I needed that feeling.

Covers, Depression, Life, Random, WIP, Writing

Another Random Ramble

2021 doesn’t seem all that different from 2020. In fact it might even be worse, I think. Odd numbered years had never been good for me. I’ve lost most of the people I loved in such years. My dad in 2007, my brother in law in 2009, my son in 2019, so I’m naturally wary of years with odd numbers.

My plan of starting a new WIP a day is going swimmingly so far. I’m pretty sure I’ll have 50 WIPs by the end of this month if this keeps up. I have also been buying a lot of covers.

Work is just as meh as usual, a bit more meh this week to be honest. Sometimes, I think I’ll just lose my mind. Sometimes, I wish I could just die, but yeah, safe to say things aren’t good.

There is no joy any more. Not in work, not in life, not in creation, even. I cant stop writing though, because idea are flowing and words are flowing, and even if there is no joy in it, it keeps despair at bay.

I am almost at the end of an amazing book by an author friend, and I love that I get to read so many great books.

I posted the penultimate chapter of my fanfic in AO3 today, and now feeling a little sad that I won’t have that to look forward to. Fanfics are a good distraction, and I’ve been loving all the love my work has got.

I need validation like I need air on some days, and my fanfic was a great way of getting that. Ah well, I’ll just have to re-read all those lovely comments left by my awesome readers.

I hope you all have a lovely weekend, and I’m leaving a little aesthetic I made for one of my new WIPs

Child Loss, Depression, Life, Writing

Depressed pile of goo

It is one year today since I lost my son, and I’ve been in a funk all week, crying at work, snapping at people, moping around and writing till my hands hurt. Nothing really helps. Nothing can fill the emptiness left behind by him. I took his name as my pen name, and seeing his name on my books hurt too. I don’t know if anything will ever make this better.

I have also been splurging on covers for the Black Friday. Pretty sure my finances are in the red right now.

I think I will finish Colliding Forces today. On to Fiery Magic and Magic and Mayhem. The Spell of Gods will need a lot of work, and so will everything else I finished in October and November.

Right now, I’m going to stay inside my depression cave and not emerge.

Life, Random

A trip down the memory lane

Work has been hectic for the past couple of weeks, and as I tend to do whenever work threatens to turn me into a zombie, I start watching some show that once I enjoyed and which I know will recharge me somewhat. This time it is Teen Wolf that I decided to rewatch.

It’s a bittersweet experience in many ways, because the first time I watched it, my children started peeking in, and soon got as invested as I was. My son especially loved it, and even after almost a year of being without him, every memory of him is still like a knife twisting in my gut. I don’t know how people live with this, I don’t know for how long I can.

Writing has not been going badly, but zombie brain has been depressed as fuck, and sometimes it’s all I can not to just throw in the towel and call it a day with my writing and everything. My writing groups have been amazing, though, and they keep me going when I can’t. There are no words I can use for how much they mean to me or what they have done for me, ever since the day I woke to the news that my son was no more.

Spaces of Silence is back from the editor and the paperback cover (So pretty!) is also ready. I had chosen November 27, the day I lost my son, as the release date, not just as a tribute, but also because I wanted something good to mark that day. This is a story about friendship, and trust that is very close to my heart, and I hope Sky and Declan will find a place in your heart as they do in mine.

Shades of Spring is almost done, and I can literally smell the ending, but the ending I smell seems to indicate there may be more than one book, and when I started on this journey, I had not anticipated it. Joys of pantser life!!

I’m at the fourth season of Teen Wolf now, and it is one of my favourite seasons. The fifth and second are my least favourites, with sixth and third being the most favourites. Fourth and first fit in somewhere in between.

Since my brain kept trying to convince me I’m useless, I took stock of everything I’ve finished, and I’ve finished more than a hundred stories and poems since 2012. Now my brain is ruing the wasted hours. There’s no pleasing this thing!

I’m saying fuck it, and moving on.